My Love-Shyness
& Asperger's BLOG
Neurosis and Love-Shyness
G. writes, "I can't say the book convinced me that love-shyness is a separate psychological disorder rather than a symptom of larger neurotic fixations, but you made a good case for it."
I'm not sure if you have any specific neurosis in mind, but you bring up a good question about the relationship between love-shyness and neurosis.
My classifying love-shyness as a phobia helps people understand the condition but may oversimplify it. Dr. Gilmartin (1987) never uses the word phobia. In fact, he only studied male virgins primarily since “male shyness is a great deal more likely than female shyness to be associated with neuroticism” (p.119.) Discussion of the possible neurotic component of love-shyness was left out of my book since it is currently speculation. Until love-shyness is more understood and documented, any possible neurotic components are theoretical. That's not to say that neurotic issues don't exist in at least some cases, but whether they are an integral part of love-shyness, help induce love-shyness or live as a co-morbid condition is unknown.
One major part of the definition of neurosis is denial by the person that anything is wrong. Again I reference my love-shy parents who don't believe that me being 40 years old and unable to be in a romantic relation is a sign of a serious condition that needs addressing, much less them not believing my Asperger's diagnosis. Telling a neurotic that he or she has a serious psychological condition will usually have the teller derided and scorned instead of the neurotic rushing to a therapist. (Thus, I assume my book will hit raw nerves and receive some backlash.) This neurotic-ish denial is a serious impediment to dealing with and treating love-shyness.
An example of a possible neurosis related condition is denial by the person of their sexuality. I suggest in my book that love-shyness may make a person on the autism spectrum more inclined to be asexual. Since some autistics are asexual yet not love-shy, a love-shyness-neurosis link is difficult to prove. Whether you're phobic of sexual topics or neurotically disinclined towards sexuality is difficult to discern. Dr. Gilmartin (p.119) believes that a man cannot be labeled love-shy unless he craves a romance with a woman. I disagree and cite my brother who as an adult has little if any desire for female companionship but who acted romantic towards girls at a very early age, thus proving his love-shyness.
Further muddying the waters is societal erotophobia. Here we have another type of sex phobic that acts like a neurosis since society in general does not accept its problem of its fear of sex and sexuality. Since sociology and religion are involved, claiming a love-shy neurosis is difficult. I believe Christianity's teaching that sex is “bad” contributes to the neurosis of millions. I suspect that during childhood whether or not one accepts one's sexuality as a natural, shameless bodily function significantly effects whether one will develop a sexuality related neurosis.
A corollary to denial of the condition in oneself is not doing enough to overcome love-shyness. Maybe this lack of significant action is due to the general lack of gumption love-shys typically show, resignation about their situation or an ignorance of what is required to overcome love-shyness. (Perhaps I just feel that love-shys aren't taking to my book fast enough.) This possible neurotic component would work to ensure that love-shys never do enough to overcome their love-shyness, much less eliminating the neurotic component's voice.
Additionally, it is hard to tell if this obliviousness is due to the autism spectrum or love-shyness itself. People on the autism spectrum can be fairly clueless in a number of areas, so they may do little to treat their love-shyness but may think they are doing plenty.
Further complicating the love-shyness-neurosis issue is the difference between male and female love-shyness, another area requiring much more investigation. I found the subject of love-shyness itself can turn off typically adjusted (non-love-shy) women but not similar men. This disgust is more likely due to women's general disdain for openly talking about sex and how to obtain it than anything neurotic. However love-shy women likely need to overcome this disdain to tackle their love-shyness.
I see women's love-shyness as more varied and complex than men's. In one way it runs shallower since women are more apt to function romantically despite it, and in another sense it runs deeper since the female version seems more intractable. I see female love-shyness as a gradual slope with increasing degrees of love-shyness, while male love-shyness is more a sharp peak; either a guy has it or he doesn't. Thus, a typical romantically frustrated love-shy man will much more readily accept his love-shy diagnosis than a love-shy female who interprets her love-shyness as a natural, integral part of herself.
Robinson (1959), whose description of female frigidity looks a lot like love-shyness, claims “[F]rigidity is an expression of neurosis” (p.1). “This evasiveness … [and the desire for a solution that does not involve looking inward] is characteristic of all forms of frigidity in women” (p.133). I believe this relates to females' “more integral” sexual response than males'. Just as Gilmartin claims male shyness is more likely to be associated with neurosis, I suggest female sexual issues are more likely to be associated with neurosis.
In sum, love-shyness seems to often have a neurotic component, which makes overcoming love-shyness all the harder. But removing all other related issues, including autism and societal programming, to gain a clear view of this murky subject is difficult.
Notes
Gilmartin, B. G. (1987) Shyness
and Love: Causes, Consequences, and
Treatment. Lanham, MD: University Press of America.
Robinson, M. M. (1959) The Power of Sexual Surrender. New York: Doubleday.
