Results of Brief Love-Shy Survey
Between September 2007 and February 2009 I posted a brief survey for love-shys on this website. I did not advertise or market my website, much less the survey, in any way except for having links to my website on other love-shy websites and my mentioning it to individuals or in posts to love-shy forums. This survey took place before my book release and before my website's current redesign.
My site's main page had roughly 500 to 600 unique visitors per month with approximately a third to a quarter of those visitors viewing the survey page. Of those I had 32 respondents total in the 18 months. People responded through email, and, except for a pleading on the page for women to answer, it was a soft sell. About midway through the time period I switched and reworded some questions. Because of the question change and the low number of respondents, I don't claim my survey is truly scientific.
My first question related to how they discovered the term and concept of love-shyness. Almost all respondents claimed to find it through searching their symptoms using an internet search (Google, etc.) or surfing around and finding a page introducing love-shyness, particularly the Wikipedia love-shy article. Only one person was told about love-shyness through a therapist. (This situation should change once my book comes out and is publicized.)
I inquired why the respondents thought of themselves as love-shy to both verify their love-shyness and for any type of insight regarding love-shyness. All respondents gave a convincing enough answer for me to classify them as love-shy.
I asked if anyone found any drugs that helped with love-shyness and the answer was overwhelmingly no. Although, one found brief help with Xanax, and another claimed ecstasy (MDMA) helped with certain emotions and later alcohol allowed him to approach a women whom he married.
I asked how love-shys would feel about employing a sex surrogate, or in worst case a prostitute, to help with love-shyness, and the near universal response from both sexes was no. As sex surrogates are the only therapy available (if one can find and afford a clinic and travel to New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, or Amsterdam) and since the therapy involves having actual sex and usually losing one's virginity, I thought more love-shys, at least the males, would be into it. But, no. It seems that love-shys' strong romantic notions about sex along with their morals induce this reaction.
The strong negative reaction to sex surrogate therapy shows that it is more impractical as a love-shy therapy than just the logistic problems of having a few thousands of dollars available and traveling to and staying in a distant city. While I suspect that many love-shys have significant problems regarding actual sexual performance, focusing on sexual issues before being able to ask a woman out on a date seems to put the cart before the horse, even though Dr. Gilmartin claims that sexual experience will help with overcoming general anxieties related to the opposite sex. Thus, a practical love-shy therapy will not involve sex, even though a few respondents claimed they could not obtain or maintain an erection in the presence of a women due to love-shy anxiety.
No homosexuals of either gender responded to the survey. However, a few male love-shys felt that Gilmartin's term male lesbian describes themselves and their sexuality well in the sense that they feel like a woman in a man's body and attracted to women. This condition is not about homosexuality, and no love-shy wants a sex change operation or considers themselves transgendered. Having sexually desperate male love-shys only willing to have romantic sex seems to prove this male lesbianism. I prefer the term Male Lesbian Syndrome since the bigger romantic problem these males face is having the female courtship programming of being passive and submissive and waiting for the other to make the moves.
Perhaps the most important result of the survey was the number of women respondents, who made up 25 percent of the total. Since Gilmartin totally avoided studying love-shy women and the love-shy discussion forums are overwhelmingly male, this percentage is key to proving that love-shyness exists among women. Women don't have the problem of lacking the male-required romantic assertiveness, but their anxious, phobic reactions to romance and mating seem the same crippling intensity as their male love-shy counterparts.
As to the perceived reasons for becoming love-shy, Gilmartin's description and analysis seems quite correct and applies to both sexes, although the genders of the situation may occasionally be reversed (girls having issues with their fathers as opposed to future love-shy boys having issues with their mothers.) I asked specifically about female love-shys' sex drive and ability to achieve orgasm, and they seemed within the normal range for women. Although, one woman claimed her love-shy anxiety prohibited her sexual response.
A quarter of the love-shy women (two) had a light enough case of love-shyness that allowed them to have boyfriends. These women seemed to discover love-shyness by investigating what was wrong with their boyfriends and realized they suffered from the same thing. Thus, love-shy women seem to attract and be attracted to love-shy men. One of these women found a great affinity with a particular love-shy male suitor, but his love-shyness was too great for the romance to happen even after she understood the condition. However, since these women's love-shyness is relatively mild, they seem to be able to date fairly normally.
In conclusion all love-shys, hailing from various cultures around the world and of both sexes, suffer from a documented condition, are in desperate need of help and know nowhere to go to find help.
